A Bed Bug Fable

Hello Happy Readers,

This is a fable I wrote a few months ago. I think it is totally hilarious. If I get 100 likes, I will illustrate and self publish this as a children’s book.

Thanks,

Johanna Hughes October 27, 2016

 

The squirrel and cat (who were sisters) decided they wanted to travel and see their old dear friend the spider monkey, who was a day’s journey away from them. When they arrived, the monkey was excited to see them and very hospitable. Since it was late by the time the sisters arrived, they quickly hugged and discussed adventure plans for the next day. The monkey was very knowledgeable of the countryside and had been waiting for an opportunity to go exploring even more nooks and crannies.  The cat started yawning when the monkey began to show them maps of the possible routes and he realized that his friends were very tired. He led them to their beds right away. The cat chose to sleep on the puffy brown futon because it was the sleeping place closest to the door and the furthest from the irritating dripping kitchen faucet. The monkey got his own cozy bed that was piled with blankets and pillows. Some nights the monkey slept facing west and other times he liked facing east. The monkey liked to keep his options open and didn’t want to get stuck in a routine. This is why there were pillows on both sides of the bed. The squirrel got the bed that a dog had recently been sleeping in. The dog also lived in the monkey’s house and was also their good friend. He was a nice clean dog who liked to play games and go swimming. In fact, he was on a little swimming vacation at the time the other two visitors came by. The squirrel pulled up the purple blanket and closed her eyes. She could not wait to go hiking, exploring, and all the other activities they had planned for the next day.

In the dark of the night, after several hours of sleeping, there was a sudden commotion. The squirrel had jumped up and began frantically scratching herself. She ripped the sheets off the bed and threw them on the floor.

“I’m all itchy,” she said. “I have bites all over my legs.”

“I bet it is bed bugs,” said the cat while only opening half an eyelid. “Sleep somewhere else and we will figure it out in the morning.” If anyone knows cats, they will know that cats do not like being disturbed from their sleep. The cat only half heard the squirrel open the door and creep down the stairs to sleep on the couch.

In the morning, the cat informed the monkey that bugs had bitten the legs of the squirrel. The squirrel proudly stuck out her densely muscled leg and showed off the little round bumps for everyone to examine.  Through the squirrel’s fur, the cat and monkey could clearly see red itchy spots. It was agreed upon that the squirrel had not dreamed up the bites.

The squirrel, monkey, and cat looked at the bed that had been stripped of its clothes. It looked harmless enough, but there were possible bloodsucking monsters lurking inside. The three of them scrutinized the bed from a safe distance.

“I heard that bed bugs leave blood spots on the bed,” said the cat.

“I read that bed bugs are the size of apple seeds,” said the monkey. “They live inside the mattress. The critters crawl up through the fibers in the bed, take a quick bite, and then burrow back down”.

“I think bed bugs leave poop in little clusters all over the bed,” said the squirrel. “I read it in a book onetime. We are supposed to look for the poops in the seams of the mattress.”

The three of them stared at the bed and didn’t move.

“Let’s go for a walk and figure out what we are going to do,” said the cat. Cats do not like coming up with plans quickly.

On the walk, the three of them were quiet. All plans of the adventures they had planned the night before had disappeared from their minds. The monkey twitched his skin and scratched his shoulder. The cat kept stopping every few yards to bite at her foot while the squirrel occasionally mentioned how the irritating bites on her legs made her, “Unable to concentrate.” To distract their minds, they found a little pub and stayed there for a few hours. They laughed and joked didn’t itch one time. The hours flew by and it began to get dark. They realized that they would have to go back to the house to sleep.

“I think we should do an experiment,” said the cat. “The monkey should sleep on the dog’s bed tonight and see if the bugs bite him.”

“I have a better idea,” said the monkey, “We should see if the bugs only like female blood. You should sleep there tonight.”

None of the three wanted to sleep on the bed again.

“I think we have to fumigate the house,” said the squirrel. “We have to kill all the bugs.”

“Bed bugs are the hardest to kill because they burrow into the mattress,” said the cat. “I don’t think fumigation will even work.”

They slowly waked back to the house and made their way to the upstairs bedrooms.

The monkey brought out a flashlight. “Let’s look for the poops that are in the seams of the mattress,” he said.

The three of them scrutinized every stitch of the bed. “Is this a poop or a piece of dirt?” said the squirrel. She held up a tiny little speck.

“Here is bit of bread crumb,” the cat. There was an ant passing by her foot and she handed it to him.

“I found something,” said the monkey. He held it up to the light in his little paw and inspected it carefully and then threw it away. “I think it is only a scab.”

They ripped the pillow cases off of the pillows and found blood spots. The monkey informed his friends that the dog who used the bed had occasional nose bleeds and so that evidence was non-conclusive. They also found some other strange dark spots on the sheets and the monkey acknowledged that the dog was also a drooler.

“No one’s bed should ever be inspected this thoroughly,” said the monkey after finding more possible poop specks.

“I smell something icky,” said the cat, wrinkling her nose. “I heard that bed bugs leave a musty stench when they poop.” Though the smell smelled more like rotting fish and was possibly coming out of the dog’s food dish, the three good friends said that it was probably the bed bugs’ odor.

Though they had found no condemning evidence that there were bed bugs in the mattress, the three animals still could not stop thinking about the itchy little creatures.

“Do bed bugs lay eggs in your skin?” said the monkey to the squirrel. “You will take them back to your house. Where they will then live in your mattress.”

“Eww!” said the squirrel. “No they don’t!” She actually had no idea, but the thought of bugs living in the skin she kept so clean was repulsive to her. She continued, “I think the best way to know that there are no bed bugs in your house, is to clean it thoroughly. We could have a bonfire and burn the mattress. Sleeping on the floor is better than sleeping on bugs.” She looked at the monkey “We might as well burn your mattress as well as long as we are at it.”

“Do you think there are beg bugs in the other things? Maybe the dog’s clothes?” said the cat. “We should burn those too.”

Though the monkey did not want to make a large fire on his nice lawn, he decided it was for the best. The three animals, instead of sleeping, spent the night lugging everything in which bed bugs could hide to the fire, and lighting up the night sky. While the cat and the squirrel tossed the dog’s socks and underwear, the monkey made a run over to the convenience store and bought some bed beg proof pajamas for him and his two friends. The pajamas had gloves and booties and even a hood with a translucent face cover. The zipper of the pajama suit zipped from the foot to the neck and not even a bit of skin was exposed to the outside. Bed bugs could get in through the dense fabric.

The fire burned bright outside the monkey’s house until morning, when most of the furniture was turned to ashes. The three good buddies settled down onto the nice hard floorboards of the now empty house to get some rest. They were tired. The cat zipped up her bug proof suit and curled up in a sunbeam. She liked nothing better than to know that she had done a good deed. It gave her a contented sleep. The squirrel yawn and declared that she believed the bedbug proof suit to be the most comfortable thing she had ever worn (She was going commando underneath.) The monkey also found the bug suit to be much to his liking. He could even read his book through the clear face shield.

The three friends were happy. Their skin didn’t itch and their thoughts were peaceful as they drifted off into slumber land. The dog would be coming home from his vacation that day and they could not wait to see him and tell him that he no longer had any worries.

And so children, the moral of this story is that it is better to live a simple life. The less you have, the less places you have for bedbugs to hide.